Before I officially became one, back when I only imagined being a parent, I had all kinds of ideas about how it would go and how my kids would respond to my wonderful parenting. Then reality hit. I constantly screwed up, said the wrong things, got upset at stupid bullshit and just generally disappointed myself regularly. I looked forward to other chances and opportunities. I measured the time left until my kids moved on as adults or, much sooner, stopped listening as teenagers. That time used to seem so far away! "I have 12 years to make up for saying/doing ______" has been replaying continuously in my head during my time as a parent.
I've had a feeling since we moved back from the Philippines that time was slipping away. I grasp at it, but it's like trying to catch smoke. The 12 years to make up for everything is down to a number that I can easily count on one hand. It kills me. I try to motivate myself to be a better person and parent, but Kronos just sits by laughing as I cry about lost time.
It isn't about my time slipping by. I'm way past the amount of time that I deserved or earned on this earth, and I'm pretty OK with that. The feeling of discomfort is always about my kids' childhoods slipping by me. I started being a parent with unrealistic expectations for myself and my kids; this feeling is inevitable when you start from the wrong place. All hope is not lost. The two I have are pretty great kids, and I think I have it in me to get better at the job.
Josh Homme captured the essence of my struggle with parenting in Fortress, which he wrote with Queens of the Stone Age. Instead of imagining how everything should turn out, I began to realize that all that I could do was to provide a fortress for whenever they needed it. But just because I simplified the concept, it didn't make the job, or the feeling of failing at it, any easier.
We're trying to remodel our fortress for the baby. I have one cobbled together with tape and found materials, but it feels like I should know a lot more about fortress building by now.
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Hey, Dude! Since this is my first post to you directly, I should explain what I'm hoping to accomplish. As I start this blog, I'm struggling with honesty. How much do I divulge? Am I brave enough to make myself look bad even when it isn't because of a funny situation? And no matter how much I hide it, you'll see that it would be easy to let my flaws define me, so there's plenty of unflattering material. We'll see. I'm realizing this particular kind of honesty hasn't been a strong point of mine up until now, but it's probably the most important kind of honesty to have. In this spirit of openness and honesty, I'll start small and admit that I worry about how long I'll be around to know you. My father only made it until my youngest sister was 16 before he died. He was 53; I'm already a bunch older than he was when he died and you aren't even born yet. I've got my work cut out for me. If I'm super fortunate, you'll be reading
Saturday morning the Bad Company song Early in the Morning from the album Desolation Albums came on my mix. Whenever I hear this song, I instantly fall into a trance and start playing it on repeat. After I got my fix, I started playing all of Bad Company's albums through their 6th, Rough Diamonds. Even though I know their catalog pretty well, I always seem to underestimate how much the music will move me and how solid all of the early albums sound. Desolation Angels came out in March 1979--right at the end of 8th grade for me. Of course, I'd heard Bad Company all over AM and FM radio before 8th grade, but I still hadn't added one of their albums to my growing collection. After being mesmerized by Rock 'n' Roll Fantasy on the radio, I splurged, got the album, and nearly wore it out. A couple of months later, I'd collected a haul of cash, checks, and savings bonds at my 8th-grade graduation party. Back then it was pretty common to give savings bonds as graduation
First posts are always hard. Today I was cleaning my desk and found the quotation that's attached to the Polaroid in the image. It's from the 2010 movie Everything Must Go starring Will Ferrell. I can't exactly explain why, beyond I often feel like I'm scouting out the edge of life where everything becomes lost, that this sentence moves me, but it gives me pause and the urge to cry every time I read it. Check out the movie if you haven't. So let's start this most recent attempt at a blog with that statement of hope: Everything is not yet lost!
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